stormy search for Self : reflections on my continuing transpersonal experiences during the 'journey' and the process
stormy search for Self : reflections on my transpersonal experiences
To find my Self, I had weather the storm of conflicts between who I might really be .. and who my parents, the education system, my friends, my employers and even my spiritual teachers had tried to tell me I was.
transpersonal reflections
This site is both the result .. and the journal of my own Stormy Search for the Self. In order to understand the words I wrote, it may benefit to understand some of my life experience .. as these may give the reader an insight into how and why I write as I do..
From somewhere in the deep unconscious remembering of my innocence, I knew there was a purpose to my life - how and why my experiences manifested in the way they did. I knew there were reasons why people behaved as they did towards me. I knew there was a reason I reacted the way I did in everyday situations. I knew there had to be a "better" way.
I started to look for answers – I followed the pathways most seekers do, with many of the same results.
The only answers came when I stopped allowing myself to be taught and realized that all a teacher could do for me was to remind me of what, on some level, I already knew.
Re-membering
The Stormy Search for Self became a journey of remembering – of finding (and reconnecting) the fragments (or members of the 'inner family') and putting them back together; of re-minding (bringing to consciousness awareness) myself of the illusion that all my life was not limited by what I could see; of hearing the sounds within the silence; of awakening before my deathbed.
Part of this process was finding out there was a difference between who I was and who my parents, the education system, my friends, my employers and even my spiritual teachers had tried to tell me I was. The medical profession also had its go - they wanted me dead, or at the very least, in a wheel chair.
Cutting the ties (positive and negative emotional bonds to everyone and everything) was a process in itself
Parroting the words of others
One of my teachers once said to me ..
"I want to hear what Christopher Wynter says .. not what someone hastold him to believe .. or what he has read in books ... anyone can be a well versed parrot".
Taking this one step further, I discovered that, even in conversations with others I found that I was using turns of phrase that, somehow, I had learned from others. They were not my words, my speech -- they were some personality talking though me.
So, in this website, I am setting into written words some of the Transpersonal experiences of my own Stormy Search for Self .. from the book of my own body .. translated into my learned English from what I interpret as recorded in the cells.
the book of a human body memory
English is not my genetic language .. nor was it the language of my mother in utero .. therefore I have no genetic preconception of the meanings of English words .. or their resonance in my body.
(no wonder it was hard for me to relate English words to what I was feeling (or my emotions)
My blood contains Polish, Jew, Catholic, and Romany (amongst a few others).
I was adopted. I do not physically know my genetic family in person and both my adoptive parents are both dead.
I have been declared clinically dead on several occasions .. the last in 1986. I have full conscious remembering of everything that happened during the period that the body was "dead".
Studies and research
I studied comparative religions and spiritual myth and mysticism as part mystudies in Transpersonal Psychology .. I have sufficient linguistic skills to refer to other languages with ease.
As a consequence of my training and my experiences, I have been researching the nature of memory and emotions with groups of people for the last 15 years. In that time, I have been fortunate on numerous occasions to have several generations of the one family group with which to work.
I learned there is more wisdom in a tree before it is cut down,
pulverized, processed into paper and filled with the written word.
Again, in using the words of that same teacher ...
"I can teach you everything I know. I can give you a list of authors to read. You can learn all of the theory .. and all of the tools. But, unless all of this is applied, firstly to your self, you will never become a therapist. All you will be is a well versed parrot"
and the Stormy Search for Self is NEVER complete ...